The Letter
by enpauriel
Summary: Mulder writes a letter, one that could change everything.
1. Default Chapter

Scully sat on the floor by the fire in her apartment and began to open the assortment of mail that had come through her door since she'd been away. Deciding that as her birthday was only just over she deserved a respite from bills, she pushed then aside along with the junk mail until she was left with only one letter. She recognised the writing on the front, registered the thickness of the envelope and sighed. Resigned to the idea that, though small, the envelope would probably contain details of a case, Scully opened it.

She was pleasantly surprised, however, when what appeared were not sheets of information but a birthday card. She opened it and began to read.

"Scully,

How are you supposed to write something meaningful in these things? There are maybe five lines and then that's it. Anyway, happy birthday! See, I actually remembered this year. I even know how old you are but you might not be so happy about that. No, that's not what I meant, damn I'm out of space – well too bad read over the page.

Honestly this was just supposed to be a quick card to say happy birthday but you've been gone a whole week and I never noticed how much I used you as a sounding board before. Do you mind? But anyway I didn't call so you can't be mad, it was your time with your family and who am I to disturb that – PTO.

Though it was hard you know, not calling I mean. When you started working with me I hated it – it not you – but then you know that because I told you the second you walked through the door. Did you pity me Scully? Sitting there alone in a basement, the alien-obsessed freak? Did you wonder what you'd done to piss off the bosses that much?"

Suddenly the writing stopped. Unable to believe that Mulder would stop at that point, Scully grabbed the envelope and pulled out the sheets of paper inside it. It looked like Mulder had really gone to town on this one. She picked up the pages and retreated to the sofa so she could read more comfortably. The sheets seemed to be in the right order as the first one began:

"I didn't want a partner. I didn't want some critical non-believer standing behind me all the time. I honestly thought you were there to spy on me. But then you answered straight back, not fazed at all, and I think it was that exact moment when I thought 'Ok, maybe I can work with this woman'. Of course it did help that you're a pretty little thing. And before you think it I'm not drunk or on drugs – that just came out. But I think I'll leave it. Or maybe I'll expand it because you're not just pretty Scully, you're beautiful. And when you smile, properly with joy and teeth, you're downright gorgeous.

But none of that really occurred to me that day. See everyone else who knew about me either believed me so much that they were crazier than me, or they just sneered and laughed at me. But you did neither. You really shocked me then, mostly because I actually believed that you were honestly curious.

Look I'm sorry for just blurting this out all of a sudden, but I didn't expect to feel like this when you left, I mean it was only for a week – one week! But the whole time I felt wrong, out of place. In the office I kept looking up towards your desk and then having to double back to check you really weren't there. Or I'd ask a question and wonder what I'd done to offend you because you didn't answer. It's lucky there were no cases this week or I'd have ended up in hospital because I'd have had a gap in the perimeter where I assumed you were! I know, I know, don't joke about it. But that I could handle, it was knowing I couldn't get hold of you that was the problem – especially Tuesday night.

You know that nightmare I've been having, the one where he takes over my mind and this time he makes me kill you? I had it Tuesday and when I woke up I automatically dialled your number to check you were OK. Of course I got no answer (and didn't believe the answering machine) so I got in the car and drove to your apartment. I was halfway there before I realised I was only in my pants, had forgotten my gun, and that you weren't even there anyway. But that was one of the most terrifying nights of my life. For half an hour I think I really believed I had killed you, and there was nothing I could do to prove it otherwise. I sat awake all night, watching my mobile so there was no chance of me picking it up and calling you. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty here Scully, I'm not, I just had to get this off my chest.

And there's more, I don't know why I'm telling you this, I never intended to and I can't quite believe I'm doing it now. I'm sorry if it make you hate me or not trust me, I can only hope it doesn't. See Scully I had to find a way to make sure you were alive, so I got an old friend who lives in that neck of the woods to go check up on you. I swear all he did was look through the window every night, he wouldn't do anything to invade your privacy – I'd kill him if he did. I suppose you'd like an explanation for that but I don't know what to say. Sorry, and sorry for what I did. It's not that I think you can't look after yourself, I know you can – but I was so scared. So I'm sorry Scully but I had to do it, for my sanity – what little of it there is left!

I also had a look at your profile, but I know you've seen mine so you can't be mad about that one. You're older than I thought you were, and shorter, but then you wear heels at work don't you? Of course I already knew that you were a real redhead but I didn't know you had blue eyes. I mean I've looked at your eyes countless times but I never noticed the colour before, just the emotions. You think you hide your emotions well Scully, and in terms of facial expression and body language you do. Well except anger, I can always tell if you're angry, but I'm not going to tell you how because then you'll stop doing it and I'll have no clue and then I'll be in trouble. But your eyes, I can always see what you're feeling if I look into your eyes. Did you know that? They sparkle when you're happy or amused; they glint like ice when you're determined or hurt; and they ignite with fire when you're angry. I wonder if they do that when you're aroused as well, everything else was in pairs.

So red hair and blue eyes, that's a little unusual. Oh, as was the fact that you've been single for the past six years. Scully I know you're devoted to your work but you are allowed a life, boyfriends – I'm not that possessive. Actually maybe I am, I don't like it when I don't know where you are or who you're with. Why? I don't really know.

And since I'm doing confession time here I wanted to tell you something. I know it used to bother you and though it doesn't seem to anymore I thought I should explain it. I'm an insomniac and so by definition I don't sleep much, but often when we go away on cases I fall asleep during the trip. I know you must have felt offended that this self-confessed insomniac would happily fall asleep when with you, but that isn't because you're boring, it's because I feel safe. When you're there I know it's OK for me to fall asleep because you will protect me. I can fall asleep more easily in a car seat next to you than in the most comfortable of beds alone. Great now I'm clingy, needy and probably scaring you half to death – but I trust you Scully, and that scares me.

I haven't allowed myself to completely trust anyone or anything since I was twelve years old. But you somehow managed to get through every defence I have without being threatening and made me trust you with everything. Heart, body, soul, life – they have all been saved by you at one time or another, and they all belong to you. Sorry Scully but I love you.

This week has finally made me realise that. I know you don't feel the same way and I probably shouldn't have told you because you'll feel all awkward, but I don't expect anything, I just wanted to tell you. I think this mad letter of mine tells you why I love you, but there's one more reason. Your cynicism. I know that sounds stupid but having you there to offer a counter-theory to everything I believe truly helps. That's what I thought I would hate at first, but it just makes me more determined to prove you wrong, though I rarely manage it. Also it's the way you fight me that makes me love you. You don't sneer at my beliefs or simply dismiss them, you take them into consideration and then use science to carefully disprove them one by one. OK so maybe that sometimes hurts but I don't feel betrayed or ignored. I'm sorry if I don't manage to do the same for you.

You know what Scully I'm sorry for pretty much everything. You should never have accepted this assignment, it has caused you nothing but pain. But in spit of that, for my own selfishness I am glad that you did because I really can't imagine life without you now. One thing I am not sorry for though and that is this letter. I've been needing to tell you all this for a very long time and now that I finally have, albeit in the cowardly terms of a letter, I do feel better. I'm sorry if anything I've said makes you feel upset or angry or uncomfortable around me, but somehow I don't think you will – wishful thinking?

At any rate I have written far too much and I should let you go do something else. Getting back to my original point I hope you had a great time at your mothers. Happy birthday and see you on Monday, or before if you want to come beat me up for this letter.

Mulder"

Scully sat absolutely still for a moment, silently digesting everything she had just read. The in one quick movement she rose off the sofa, grabbed the card and paper and her keys and left her apartment. She was at Mulder's in ten minutes.

Mulder had spent the evening on the phone talking to a man who claimed to have been abducted by aliens. Convinced the guy was making things up Mulder listened to the entire story and then picked at all the holes in it until it fell apart. Having then berated the man for wasting FBI time he hung up and settled down to watch a film when there was a knock at the door. Sighing he got up and went to look through the peephole.

His annoyance turned to delight when he saw that it was Scully and he quickly opened the door.

"Hi! You're back early, I thought you weren't back till tomorrow?" he said surprised.

"My mom was driving me crazy so I decided to leave early. Traffic's not so bad on a Friday either."

Mulder nodded in sympathy and then agreement.

"Come in."

He stepped aside for her to enter, and noted the slight hesitation in her step.

"Something wrong?" he asked, a little concerned.

"No I just, well – it's this."

She took the letter from her pocket and saw his eyes widen in recognition and what looked almost like fear. He ran his hands through his hair and then went to sit on the sofa, Scully following behind.

"Are you alright?" she asked, worried about the way he seemed to have slumped down.

"Yes, I just wasn't expecting to have to deal with that quite so soon."

He eyed her warily before saying with conviction, and no small amount of surprise

"You're not angry."

"No."

"Good, I wasn't really sure how you were going to react."

"How about we go through this bit by bit and you can watch my eyes and find out?"

She smiled slightly as a faint colour rose in his cheeks, she'd never seen Mulder blush before.

"It's true you know." He added quietly.

Accepting this as assent, Scully took the card, moved close to him so he could see what he had written and began to read.


	2. Part 2

The Letter (II)

Scully read through the entire thing once, allowing her emotions to play across her face, hiding nothing from Mulder who was watching her intently. Once she had reached the end she put down the pages and turned to face him. He met her eyes for a moment and then dropped his gaze. Scully noted the evasion and realised what was wrong.

"You're embarrassed that you wrote this." She stated.

Mulder simply nodded, unable to trust his voice.

"Why?"

Scully's simple question caused Mulder to jerk his head up and look at her in astonishment. He opened and closed his mouth a few times in a fair impersonation of the fish behind him before finding his voice.

"Why?" He barked out incredulously. "Why am I embarrassed that I wrote a letter telling you that I hated you, spied on you, love you, need you, rely on you, can't go a week without you – Scully that thing has lost me any respect I ever had from you and it's going to destroy our partnership – the one thing in this life that means anything to me! I don't even understand why you're here, why you don't hate me . . ."

"Mulder, no, please." Scully interrupted his ramblings. "I don't hate you and you have not ruined our partnership. Nor have you lost my respect. Telling me all this was incredibly brave, I – I don't think I could have done it, I would never have known what to say, how to put it so I wouldn't – what?"

Scully broke off as she noticed that Mulder had not been listening for a while and was staring at her in disbelief.

"What do you mean, I haven't ruined out partnership? How can you work with me after what I just told you?"

Scully looked at him in surprise and some pity for his self-hatred.

"Oh Mulder, don't you get it? I was trying to tell you just then but . . ."

"Tell me what?"

Scully paused, trying to gather her courage to finally reveal to Mulder what she had been keeping hidden for so long now. He just sat there silently, expecting nothing but fearing the worst. In her mind Scully was a having an intense debate, trying to dissuade herself from telling him.

"Why are you even considering this?" The ever-present voice of reason piped up. "If They ever get wind of this They will use it against you – separate you."

"They've done that before" she replied. "Why would this make a difference, and he needs me – he's in so much pain."

"He's been in pain before and you haven't blurted this out."

"That's different – this is because of me."

"It's not your fault."

"No, but it is my responsibility. He trusts me, I can't lie to him now, now about this – I can't"

Suddenly Mulder's quiet voice interjected into her thoughts.

"Can't what?"

Realising she had spoken aloud she blushed and then looked up at him. Turning her back on the internal demon and squashing all remaining doubts Scully took a deep breath and looked him straight in the eye.

" I can't lie to you about how I feel anymore. I could never take the initiative because I thought that I wasn't – well, I'm not Phoebe or Diana, I'm not tall or busty or a believer and I was afraid, so afraid that you wouldn't feel the same way, but now that I know you do . . ."

"Feel the same way? Scully please, you're talking in riddles and I can't afford to misread you on this – tell me how you feel - please."

Scully only paused for a few seconds though it felt like a lifetime to Mulder, but finally she whispered it, so quietly that he wouldn't have heard her if he hadn't been listening so intently.

"I love you."

Her words echoed in his mind, repeating themselves over and over as he willed himself to believe them.

"Do you – do you mean that?" He croaked, barely able to keep the desperation and hope out of his voice.

Scully slowly nodded but saw that this was not enough for him. She cupped his face in her hands and spoke.

"Yes Mulder, I love you. I have done for a long time. I wish that I'd had the courage to tell you before, but I'm telling you now, and I mean every word."

Mulder sat absolutely still for a moment and then dropped his head as his shoulders began to shake.

"Mulder? Mulder are you OK?" Scully's slightly panicked voice reached his ears and as he raised his head to look at her she saw that his hazel eyes were sparkling with tears.

"OK? Scully, you've just given me something that I never even dared hope for. I was so sure that you'd hate me, that you wouldn't love me back – I just can't believe it!"

Scully felt her own eyes fill with tears as she tried to reply.

"Mulder . . ."

She got no further as he suddenly recalled something she had said earlier.

"Scully, how can you compare yourself to Diana and Phoebe? They played mind games with me, hurt me, if you were like them – no I can't even imagine you being so cruel."

"Mulder I didn't mean that – I meant appearance wise, I mean I'm not exactly your type." She stuttered a little, trying not to let him see that this was a sore point for her, but he immediately picked up on it and set about reassuring her.

"My type? Scully since the moment I fell in love with you it has only been petite redheads that have caught my eye that's how whipped I am."

For a moment the atmosphere in the room became very tense as they both realised how deep their feelings ran. Then, filled with joy at the knowledge that Mulder did love her, Scully broke the awkward mood.

"How would you tell – you're red-green colour blind!" she said, laughing through her tears.

Mulder joined her. It was so rare for him to hear her laugh these days that now when she did he couldn't help but try to make the sound last. However, he knew that she still wasn't convinced so he continued with his earlier words.

"Scully, please believe me. It's you that I love, and there will never be anyone else."

The quiet seriousness of Mulder's words calmed Scully's nerves as she accepted the truth of what he was saying. She smiled at him before blushing and trying to apologise.

"I'm sorry, I guess I'm still a little insecure."

"You're not the only one" Mulder chuckled quietly. "But lets see what we can do to remedy that."

He slowly lowered his mouth to hers, brushing his lips past hers gently, barely touching; yet they could still feel the electricity just from that contact. He repeated the movement, this time brushing her lips harder and for longer, giving her plenty of time to back away from this, or to change her mind. But when she showed no signs of doing so he captured her mouth in a gentle yet insistent kiss.

Scully had been in a state of semi-shock since his lips had first brushed hers. She had been unable to react but as he began to retreat from her she realised that he was afraid he had gone too far as she was not responding. She quickly grabbed his lower lip with her teeth and kissed him back with all the passion and love that she had for him. Once satisfied that she had conveyed her feelings she pulled back to breathe in some much needed air.

Mulder looked at her sitting only a few inches away with swollen lips and knew that he was lost. He'd never be able to be apart form her know – she'd be sick of him within a week. He grinned ruefully at that thought and in answer to Scully's raised eyebrow he said,

"Just thinking that you don't know what you've gotten yourself into. I'm a little possessive."

Scully snorted with laughter.

"Mulder you've never not been possessive of me! I think I know how to handle it by now. Anyway its you who is in trouble, I don't believe I've ever really introduced you to my jealous side, but its there, and it considers you mine."

"I am yours Scully, for as long as you'll have me."

"That should be a good long time then. Or at least until Skinner catches us in a compromising position in the office and I have to claim sexual harassment."

Mulder looked shocked for a moment, unused to Scully throwing the innuendoes, and then said teasingly,

"So, you'd consider getting down and dirty in the office?

Scully put on her best innocent face and whimpered,

"I have to wait two whole days?"

Mulder stared at her in stunned silence for a moment before tentatively asking,

"Are you sure?"

"Yes" she replied smiling, then suddenly nervous she added, "If you want me."

Mulder whooped in delight, stood and swung her up into his arms.

"Scully, anytime, anywhere, any way, I want you."

Scully laughed and squirmed.

"That's great Mulder, but could you put me down?"

"Not a chance. I warned you about what you were getting yourself into Scully, you brought this upon yourself."

"Well then I guess I'll just have to take the consequences of my actions." She replied sagely.

"Exactly." Mulder said before carrying her into the bedroom and depositing her gently on the bed.

"Now," he mused, "Where to start."


End file.
